{"id":1307,"date":"2018-05-13T23:45:22","date_gmt":"2018-05-13T22:45:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/?p=1307"},"modified":"2020-05-05T13:27:07","modified_gmt":"2020-05-05T12:27:07","slug":"checking-in-on-my-own-mental-health","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/checking-in-on-my-own-mental-health\/","title":{"rendered":"checking in on my own mental health"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>So, 14-20 May is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.mentalhealth.org.uk\/campaigns\/mental-health-awareness-week\">Mental Health Awareness Week<\/a>. The theme this year is \u2018Stress\u2019 but it\u2019s good to think and talk about MH in general, yeah? For us men especially, since <i>suicide is the leading cause of death among young people aged 20-34 years in the UK and it is <\/i><i><a href=\"https:\/\/www.mentalhealth.org.uk\/a-to-z\/s\/suicide\">considerably higher in men.<\/a><\/i><\/p>\n<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-1313\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/31052151_10160252844770511_571535421287852162_n.jpg?resize=334%2C305\" alt=\"\" width=\"334\" height=\"305\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/31052151_10160252844770511_571535421287852162_n.jpg?w=720&amp;ssl=1 720w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/31052151_10160252844770511_571535421287852162_n.jpg?resize=300%2C274&amp;ssl=1 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 334px) 100vw, 334px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>A year ago, I wasn&#8217;t in the best place. Literally. I was living alone in a big house that I couldn&#8217;t afford. I was coming out of a two year relationship. And I was spending most of my time commuting for a job I wasn&#8217;t really into. Outside of work, I wasn&#8217;t doing much fun, and basically I was just not very happy.<\/p>\n<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/BUFX-CwjX-g\/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:616px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\">\n<div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/BUFX-CwjX-g\/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <\/p>\n<div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\">\n<div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\">\n<div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https:\/\/www.w3.org\/1999\/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"><\/path><\/g><\/g><\/g><\/svg><\/div>\n<div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\">\n<div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\">\n<div>\n<div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"><\/div>\n<div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\">\n<div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div style=\"margin-left: auto;\">\n<div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"><\/div>\n<div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"><\/div>\n<div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\">\n<div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"><\/div>\n<div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/BUFX-CwjX-g\/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Richard Cook (@cookywook)<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><script async src=\"\/\/platform.instagram.com\/en_US\/embeds.js\"><\/script><\/p>\n<p>A year on, how am I doing? Not a whole deal better, to be honest, but there&#8217;s been improvements in a few areas. So let&#8217;s break it down, in excruciating detail!<\/p>\n<p><b>Health<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Health-wise, I guess I&#8217;m ok. I always worry about my weight, which I know is stupid since folks frequently comment on me being thin\/skinny. But I know I&#8217;ve definitely put weight on over the last few years, and I&#8217;d love to lose it. I know my diet of beer and sweets probably isn&#8217;t helping much, but I haven&#8217;t had much luck cutting them out.<\/p>\n<p>In particular I know my diet worsens when I&#8217;m stressed\/depressed. I eat a lot of sugar (hence my like 30 fillings) and I&#8217;ll use it to get through the day when I&#8217;ve got a low mood. I wouldn&#8217;t call it an addiction, but I&#8217;m literally eating a bag of Haribo Fangtastics right now if that gives you any indication.<\/p>\n<p><b>Living situation<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m not living alone anymore! And I&#8217;m not commuting 90 minutes each way for work!<\/p>\n<p>I moved from Cambridge to London about six months ago, and it&#8217;s had a mixed effect on my mental well-being. Yes, the commute is better, but London is a busy, crowded place. It&#8217;s harder to get away from the hustle and bustle, people seem just a little bit meaner, and the buildings aren&#8217;t as pretty.<\/p>\n<p>Having housemates again is great. And it&#8217;s especially good that it&#8217;s friends I&#8217;ve actively chosen to live with &#8211; not absolute randomers. Living with randoms is awful for your mental health since they can act unpredictably and it&#8217;s harder to have difficult conversations with them about things.<\/p>\n<p>Living with friends is much better, but it still makes me anxious sometimes. <i>Do my housemates hate me? Do they think I&#8217;m uncool? Why don&#8217;t they ask me to join in with things sometimes? How do I get them to take part in the things I want to do? <\/i>These kind of dumb questions are still a cause of stress for me.<\/p>\n<p><b>Work<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I started a new job at the beginning of the year. And it&#8217;s great.<\/p>\n<p>I wasn&#8217;t enjoying my job at the end of last year. It was stressful, made me feel inadequate, and frankly I&#8217;d probably been doing it too long. Leaving a company after six and a half years was really stressful to do, but I reckon it was the right move in the long-term. So I&#8217;m glad to be out of that environment.<\/p>\n<p>My new role has come with its own stresses. I&#8217;ve got a lot more responsibility, which is satisfying, but also challenging. Sometimes it&#8217;s a bit overwhelming, but everyone is super supportive. I&#8217;ve had some rough weeks, but some great times too. Hopefully I&#8217;ll grow more secure and confident with time.<\/p>\n<p><b>Love<\/b><\/p>\n<p>A bit like a year ago, I&#8217;ve just gone through another breakup. This time it had just been a little under six months, so a bit less serious, but it still sucks. And it seems partly down to my inability to integrate in social situations properly with a partner&#8217;s friends and family.<\/p>\n<p>This has come up a few times, which tells me that it&#8217;s something I need to change or improve about myself. Or I just die alone, I guess.<\/p>\n<p><b>Family<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I recently went on holiday to Iceland with my Mother and sister, which was great. I don&#8217;t hang out much with my family otherwise. So that was nice.<\/p>\n<p>But this month I also met my half-brother and half-sisters for the first (proper) time. This was a bit of a surreal experience, and I&#8217;m still &#8220;processing&#8221; it. It&#8217;s really weird to have all this family you don&#8217;t know, and I don&#8217;t know how to feel about it. So that&#8217;s just something going on in the background, I guess. Does it make me sad? Sometimes, yeah.<\/p>\n<p><b>Social Life<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Being social is difficult for me. Parties, gatherings, meeting new people &#8211; these can all make me pretty anxious. It&#8217;s something I&#8217;m focussing on with CBT, but it&#8217;s one of the main blockers in my life right now.<\/p>\n<p>I just find it difficult to talk to people sometimes. Especially if there&#8217;s <i>lots<\/i> of new people, or if we&#8217;re in a loud environment. I&#8217;ve never understood how people can chat in clubs, or even loud clubs. Often I&#8217;ll just sit there and nod along to other conversations, even though I can&#8217;t actually make out a word of what&#8217;s going on.<\/p>\n<p>And as I mentioned above, this is particularly difficult when meeting the friends\/family of a new partner. Which causes all kinds of problems down the line and isn&#8217;t much fun.<\/p>\n<p>I also really value my free time, like weekends and stuff. Sometimes you just don&#8217;t want to see anyone at all, right? And I can feel like I&#8217;m sacrificing the precious time I have to myself to see people I don&#8217;t really want to see. But then other times I get desperately lonely. So either way it sucks.<\/p>\n<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/m.popkey.co\/a498cd\/jWmwm.gif?w=616&#038;ssl=1\"><\/p>\n<p><b>Creativity<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I like to be creative. I write things like this blog, and make videos and things. Being creative is a great coping mechanism for me when I&#8217;m feeling down. But I often feel like I&#8217;m at the bottom of the well of my creativity.<\/p>\n<p>Or I&#8217;ll have a short burst of creativity where I want to do lots of things, and then suddenly lose all drive and momentum. It doesn&#8217;t help that I always hate the things I actually produce, and usually the things I&#8217;ve worked hardest on get the luke-warmest reception.<\/p>\n<p>Without wanting to be petty or anything, but here&#8217;s a thing that annoyed me recently:<\/p>\n<p>Last July I did <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/cookywook\/status\/882192297517035521?lang=en\">this<\/a> and it was great &#8211; I was a viral sensation and felt really good about myself. Earlier this year I tried to do it <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/i\/moments\/edit\/988171586732806145\">again<\/a> in what I thought was actually a more technically impressive way, but it got a much smaller reaction. Meanwhile, someone else did <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/Brainmage\/status\/982245503336267778\">something similar<\/a> in the same week and not only got lots of Twitter praise, but actually did <i>better<\/i> numbers-wise than my original tweet.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, I know it&#8217;s kind of pathetic to base your self worth on social media vanity metrics. And yet that&#8217;s exactly what I do. If I work hard on something and it doesn&#8217;t &#8216;do well&#8217;, what&#8217;s the point in me even trying? What&#8217;s the point in me even bothering to create anything? Sometimes it seems like I shouldn&#8217;t even start on a new creative project, when I know it won&#8217;t be appreciated anyway.<\/p>\n<p>And yeah, that makes me feel bad.<\/p>\n<p><b>Mental Health<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Way back in like October, my GP referred me to a local NHS mental health unit for some anxiety I was having. A few phone calls later and they were like &#8220;yeah you need CBT&#8221;. So a mere <b>five months <\/b>later I started some CBT, which I&#8217;m doing weekly at the moment.<\/p>\n<p>CBT is a weird one for me. It&#8217;s very curriculum-driven, in the sense that there&#8217;s a list of things you just have to learn and understand. But once you&#8217;ve read and understood the list of common cognitive errors and been through the behavioural strategies for dealing with them, what next? There&#8217;s only so much mindfulness I can practice before I just have to admit it&#8217;s not helping.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;ve been on medication before, but I&#8217;ll always try to avoid it as much as possible because of the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nhs.uk\/conditions\/ssri-antidepressants\/side-effects\/\">side effects<\/a>. So I&#8217;d like to avoid that as much as possible.<\/p>\n<p>Exercise is sometimes heralded as the ultimate cure for low mood \/ depression. But as we all know, when all you want to do is lie in bed and cry, going for a light jog is at the absolute bottom of your list of things you&#8217;d feel comfortable doing.<\/p>\n<p>Mental health-wise I seem to be getting worse. My anxiety and depression scores are going up, despite the CBT, and I&#8217;m noticing warning signs in things like my diet and alcohol intake. Physically, I&#8217;m a bit drained. Some days I wake up with my chest pumping with cortisol, which isn&#8217;t a fun sensation.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m a bit more anxious than usual at the moment. And I&#8217;m living with constant moderate depression.<\/p>\n<p><b>But it&#8217;s ok.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s good to talk about this stuff. I have a few friends I can confide in, and that&#8217;s good. And writing blogs like this, out in the public and shared with the internet, is super cathartic.<\/p>\n<p>The worst thing you can do is bottle your feelings up. That&#8217;s the most important thing I&#8217;ve learned over the years. But sharing them is also the hardest.<\/p>\n<p>So: talk! Talk to me, talk to a friend, talk to anonymous strangers on Twitter. It&#8217;ll help, and you&#8217;ll feel better. I know it helps me, at least.<\/p>\n<p>Thanks for reading. Getting this all down makes me feel better, and if it at all helps you come to terms with anything you&#8217;re feeling too, that&#8217;d make me very happy.<\/p>\n<p>&lt;3<\/p>\n<hr>\n<p><b>Further reading:<\/b><\/p>\n<p>If you&#8217;d like to know what living with anxiety can be like, <a href=\"http:\/\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/ugh\/\">here&#8217;s a piece<\/a> I wrote a few years ago about an attack I had during a comedy gig. I&#8217;m glad to say things are better now with this, and I frequently go to shows on my own now (only partially out of choice). But the negative thoughts patterns and things in that blog post still affect me day-to-day.<\/p>\n<p>And the other week, as an exercise for myself, I wrote down a list of as many of my <a href=\"http:\/\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/anxious\/\">anxiety triggers<\/a> as I could think of. Writing them out and seeing them in a list is kind of therapeutic. But reading over it, it makes me feel a bit silly. 28 year old men aren&#8217;t supposed to freak out when someone knocks on their door.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>So, 14-20 May is Mental Health Awareness Week. The theme this year is \u2018Stress\u2019 but it\u2019s good to think and talk about MH in general, yeah? For us men especially, since suicide is the leading cause of death among young people aged 20-34 years in the UK and it is considerably higher in men. A [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[165],"tags":[433,435,290,436],"class_list":["post-1307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal","tag-anxiety","tag-depression","tag-mental-health","tag-mhaw","has-post-thumbnail","fallback-thumbnail"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>checking in on my own mental health<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cookywook.co.uk\/blog\/checking-in-on-my-own-mental-health\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"checking in on my own mental health\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"So, 14-20 May is Mental Health Awareness Week. The theme this year is \u2018Stress\u2019 but it\u2019s good to think and talk about MH in general, yeah? For us men especially, since suicide is the leading cause of death among young people aged 20-34 years in the UK and it is considerably higher in men. 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