You know that thing you like? You know that thing that everyone thinks is good? I’ve got some bad news.

It’s actually bad.

Yes, that’s right. That thing you like is bad.

Maybe you think it’s funny. Or cute. Or in any way worthwhile. Maybe you derive some fleeting enjoyment from its existence. But you shouldn’t. It’s bad. And you should feel bad for not thinking it’s bad in the first place.

You see, I’m the one who sees things correctly. I know what’s good and what’s bad. And so I can see that the thing you like isn’t a thing that people should actually like.

I’m there in the comments. I’m telling you that cute animal is actually in distress. I’m telling you that you’re racist. I’m getting offended on everyone’s behalf.

I know all the ways in which things are problematic. Or could be construed as problematic. Or that I could deliberately misconstrue in order to portray as problematic. And if you’ve got a problem with that, you’re part of the problem too.

Oh, and that other thing you think is good? That’s bad too.

Everything good is actually bad. I’m sorry, but you really should have known better.

Oh, you disagree with me? I’m afraid you’re just a troll. Thinking things are good is bad. Defending good things is trolling. Only I am not trolling. Only I have the true overview of things. And I’m telling you that you’re wrong.

Next time you think something is good, just ask yourself “what if it was actually bad?” And then you will know the truth.

Then you will have the hot takes as I do.