I did this before for Shrek cakes and it remains one of my favourite things I’ve done. So I’m recycling content like a madman, and turning my cynical eye to the world of Minion cakes.

Yeah, Minions. Those little yellow tic-tac creatures that are beloved by everyone below the age of five, and loathed to the very depths of Hades by the rest of us. They’re a pretty popular cake design these days, which is probably helped by the fact that they’ve got a very simple design. Just make a big yellow oval, give it some big eyes, whack on those dungarees they all wear for some reason, add a dumb smile, and boom – you’ve got yourself a Minion cake.

And yet somehow, people are still screwing this up.

We start with this great example. And it’s easy to see where they’ve gone wrong. They went against protocol and went for just the minion face instead of the full body. But then they decided they wanted to do the body anyway? And so the entire lower portion of the body – dungarees and all – is squeezed into the lower 3% of the cake? The proportions of such a creature in reality would be horrifying.

They’ve also made the odd decision to show the Minion bearing its teeth. This only adds to the unsettling feeling that this is not a Minion, but some kind of child-devouring monster.

I can only assume that this was made by someone who’d never seen a Minion before, but had it described to them over the phone, but there was some atmospheric disturbance causing issues on the line, so they couldn’t quite make out what the person was ordering, but they tried to go ahead anyway. Sorry, Evan. I’m very sorry.

This is a real Hall of Fame-r. My best guess is that its somehow collapsed in on itself. As if the weight of having to exist as a Minion cake was too much for this collection of atoms to take, and they spontaneously decided to give up. This deflated mound of what-was-once-cake, though ugly in itself, really resonates with me. It’s a perfect representation of how I feel at all times; deflated internally, but somehow still smiling.

This cake was designed by the text-align formatting options in Microsoft Word.

Wow. This is what you get reincarnated as in the next life if you have an England flag in your Twitter pic in this one.

I mean, it’s not horrible. It’s just… abhorrent, abominable, appalling, awful, cruel, disgusting, dreadful, eerie, frightful, ghastly, grim, grisly, gruesome, heinous, hideous, horrendous, horrid, lousy, nasty, scandalous, scary, shameful, shocking, terrible, and terrifying.

I’m gonna need to hear a pretty solid argument that this is even meant to be a Minion at all. It came up in the Google search. But it could genuinely be anything.

This one is perfect. Don’t change a single thing about it.

This one just feels lazy. You’ve clearly not been bothered enough to make a proper Minions cake, but you’ve still gone to the effort of putting a moustache on it. And yet the moustache isn’t very good, or even straight. Strange, and confusing.


Ok, so I’m 99% sure this is actually Spongebob Squarepants. But I’ve only just realised that Spongebob is literally just a minion. They’ve squared off his corners and changed his dungarees to… chinos? But he’s literally just a sea-minion. Can’t believe I never noticed this before.

I do not agree this this person nailed it.

Ok, so what have we learned from our overview of the world of Minion cakes?

Nothing. Cool. Bye.