As you’re probably aware, it’s 2014. But we’re still using the same ol’ cusses that were used by sailors in the 50s. We can do better, right?

No more Fs, Cs, Hs, AFGGs or Ss, let’s bring obscenity into the 21st century, ffs.

Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Fritzl – a bad person, implied to be incestuous in some way

That Osbaldo forgot to reply to the invite, and I had to chase him up. He’s a right fritzl.

2. Farquaad – a bad person, especially one who acts superior to others.

That farquaad Osbaldo won’t shut up about tomorrow evening! He oughta watch himself.

3. Saville’s Ghost!  – exclamation of annoyance.

Oi, Osbaldo where’s the meat? You didn’t bring it? Saville’s Ghost! Can’t take you anywhere, mate.

4. Byzantium – multiple uses, but mostly used as a pejorative adjective

Osbaldo, I don’t mean to be farquaad, but these eclairs are well byzantium.

5. Bake-Off! – used when asking someone to go away, get out of your face

Just Bake-Off, Osbaldo! You’re not welcome at my dinner parties any more.

6. Tory Cabinet – reproductive organs

Osbaldo wouldn’t leave until Bruce kneed him in the Tory Cabinet.

7. UKIPPING – acting in an annoying/offensive manner

Yeah he’s been ukipping all over the place since last night. I’m at my last straw.

8. Frenchie – French person

And he’s a frenchie too!

9. Jalfrezi – something that is untrue, rubbish

Now he’s trying to making it a whole incident now – which is a total pile of jalfrezi.

10. Donetsk People’s Republic – a bad place, somewhere you do not want to go

Good news. Osbaldo’s ukipped off to the Donetsk People’s Republic. So that’s the last we’ll hear from that Fritzl for a while. And the byzantium police say they won’t be following up on their initial investigation, which is a byzantium relief.

Please use these responsibly. And remember to credit me, thanks.