It’s Newsjack time again. Woo and yay. Basically that means I write things for the Radio that don’t get put on the Radio.
Here are this week’s failures. Apparently Font Factor got into the recording at least. It just got the chop in the edit. Boo hoo.
FONT FACTOR
1. INTRO Google has been in the news this week after changing its
typeface, freaking out internet nerds the world over. Yes,
Google the company that harvests all of your personal data on
a day to day basis without anyone batting an eyelid. But
change how the words look a little bit and suddenly everyone
grabs their torches, flaming pitchforks, and USB sticks. But how
exactly does Google pick a new font? It’s actually quite a
competitive process…
2: PRESENTER Hello and welcome to Font Factor. The show where you, the
audience, can decide what becomes the next big thing in
typefaces – and which ones will be forever discarded to the
Recycle Bin. Let’s meet our contestants.
First up, Sans Serif!
3. SANS SERIF (BUBBLY) Hi, I’m Sans Serif. You might know me from, like,
every start-up company in the world. I’m friendly, oh so
personal, and not at all intimidating. I’m your best friend!
4: PRESENTER Yay! Next up, Times New Roman..
5: TNR (OLD) Huh? Oh, I’m Times New Roman. Remember me? I
used to be everyone’s favourite. But then Microsoft stopped
making me the default and now I’m just a lonely old font. WHAT
YEAR IS IT.
6. PRESENTER And last but not least, we have… Comic Sans!
5. COMIC SANS COMIC SANS!
7: PRESENTER Great. So in this round the fonts will be showing us what they
can do in the world of marketing. Fonts, we’re making an ad for
a new kind of shoe. We want to sell as many shoes as
possible, so what do you do? I’ll give you five seconds to think
it over. Font off!
Five, font, three, two, one. And that’s it! What have you got,
Sans Serif?
8: SANS SERIF Well I think we should use Arial and do a lovely minimalist
poster talking all about the benefits of the shoes. It’ll really
appeal to the millennial market and work at scale for different
ad platforms.
9: PRESENTER And how about you, Times New Roman?
10: TNR (SUDDENLY AWAKE) Huhh?! Sorry I wasn’t paying attention.
But I’ve got an essay about the history of the English penal
system if that helps.
11: PRESENTER I’m sorry but that’s not what we’re looking for. Tough luck,
Times New Roman. And what’s Comic Sans got fonted up for
us?
12: COMIC SANS COMIC SANS!
13: PRESENTER Ooh, it’s definitely going to be a close one. Let’s see what the
results of the audience vote show. The winner is…
13: FX DRUMROLL
14: PRESENTER Oh my god, I can’t believe it. Out of nowhere, the winner is
Wingdings. Wingdings, would you like to give a victory speech?
15: WINGDINGS Smiley Face. Left arrow. Trademark Sign. Skull and
crossbones. Skull and crossbones.
16: PRESENTER And that’s all we have time for. Join us next week when we’ll be
seeing if Helvetica can impress the judges in an all-out battle to
the death with Comic Sans in the Font Arena.
17: COMIC SANS COMIC SANS!
18. END
HOLY SPECS
1. INTRO The Pope was spotted out and about in central Rome as he
visited an optician in person, drawing huge crowds. Watching
an old man try on different pairs of glasses might not sound like
everyone’s idea of a fun day out, but apparently it was worth it
just so everyone could keep making ‘Holy See’ jokes. Reports
that he also put on a pair of Harry Potter glasses and ran
around the shop shouting killing curses at people were sadly
greatly exaggerated. But what was the Pope really up to in
there? He could easily have sent for someone to come into his
little Pope bedroom and fit his glasses. There’s only one
conclusion: The Pope is planning to launch his own range of
designer eyewear.
2. FX ADVERT MUSIC
3. POPE (STREET TALKING) Heyyyyy! It’s me, the Pope! Don’t ya just
haate it when ya preparing your weekly Papal blessings and
you can’t see a damn thing?
4. CHOIR SINGER Preach it!
5. POPE Well, me too. So that’s why I’m launching this new range of
totally kickin’ Papal spectacles. They’re called: Holy Specs!
6. CHOIR SINGER Amen to that!
7. POPE Now, I hear what y’all saying. Aint’ these specs just like the
same ol’ same ol’ glasses people been wearing for hundreds of
years? Well, hell no sister!
8. CHOIR SINGER Hell no!
RICHARD COOK cookywook@gmail.com HOLY SPECS
9. POPE No, these are unique, top-of-the-line holiest-of-holies
eyepieces. Each one has been blessed by me – your buddy the
Pope! And I can personally guarantee you’ll witness at least
three miracles while wearing them.
10. CHOIR SINGER (SINGING) This guarantee is not legally binding. Your statutory
rights are not affected.
11. POPE But wait! Just like Jesus said to his disciples when he came
back from the dead: “there’s so many great benefits to these
glasses!”
The lenses are bifocal, polarized, UV protective, and 100% gay
marriage reflective.
11. CHOIR SINGER (SINGING) But what about contraception?
12. POPE (SINGING BACK) We still haven’t formed an effective
consensus on thaaat…
13. CHOIR SINGER Fair enough!
14. POPE Holy Specs are the only choice for the discerning bishop in
YOUR life. So don’t forget the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt
always buy glasses endorsed by the Pope and also buy some
extra pairs for friends and family.
15. CHOIR SINGER They make a perfect gift!
16. LAWYER (SERIOUS) Not suitable for the non-religious, elderly, or young
vulnerable church boys.
17. END