“They’re as different as chalk and cheese!” It’s an expression we all know and love, perhaps using it up to a hundred times a day. But does it really stand up to scrutiny? In this post, I’ll demonstrate that no, it does not and that the two are actually very similar.

1. Chalk and cheese both begin with ‘C’

Let’s get this obvious one out of the way: they both start with the same letter! More in common than we thought, eh? If chalk was called say, “bhalk”, then maybe they’d have one less thing in common. But no dice! They both start with the same letter.

2. Chalk and cheese are both edible

Hold up, we all love to eat cheese… but chalk? That’s right, you can eat chalk! I don’t know if it’s very tasty but you can!

3. You can write with them both

You know what chalk is mostly used for? Writing on chalkboards! It’s a classic activity. Writing with cheese is a bit harder, of course, but it can be done. Which brings us to…

4. They are both a type of board

Chalkboards (see above). And cheese boards, of course! Very similar.

5. I’m a BIG fan of both

Chalk? I love it! Cheese? Not my favourite, but I’m willing to describe myself as a ‘big fan’ for the purposes of this point.

6. You’ll find both chalk and cheese at the supermarket!

Yep, head to any supermarket, and you’ll see cheese in the “Dairy” aisle. Chalk will probably be in some kind of back-to-school/stationery aisle. Just say to an assistant: “Hey, man! Where’s the chalk? Near the cheese, I’m guessing?”

7. Both have medical properties

Chalk is used for some tummy problems (calcium carbonate is an antacid). And at some point in history, Pliny or someone must have tried to cure warts with cheese I bet.

8. You shouldn’t give either to dogs

Just don’t do it!!

9. I have stains on my clothes from both

Chalk is very stainy! You can’t do an honest day’s chalking without simply getting it all over your britches. And if you don’t get cheese all down you as you eat it, well… then you’re not eating cheese!

 10. You can be intolerant to both

A lactose allergy is a serious condition that can make life very difficult (and cheese-less). And you could be intolerant to chalk in much the same way that a racist is intolerant of people from other places.

11. I associate both chalk and cheese with Christmas

I just do, ok!

12. Same colour

Chalk is white (or sometimes yellow, if it’s coloured chalk). And a lot of cheese is white too (or more often, yellow)

13. Crumbly

Ok, this might actually be where the expression comes from. Some harder cheeses are crumbly and chalk-looking? Which kind of makes it a bad expression in my opinion, given that they’re clearly quite similar. And we’ve already got 13 reasons to prove it! (Just seven to go!)

14. They’re both a popular gift

People love to give each other cheeses. I don’t know about you, but the area beneath my Christmas tree smelled like a French supermarket (bad) last year. Likewise, chalk is a popular gift you might give a 3 or 4-year-old who is not ready for better presents like a PlayStation 5.

15. I would not like to drink something of which either were the primary ingredient

A chalky beer? No thanks! A cheesy beer? Also no thanks!

16. Both have songs written about them

From “Cheese and Onions” by The Rutles, to Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise”, cheese is many an artist’s muse. And I’m sure none of us are stranger’s to PJ Harvey’s “White Chalk”. I dunno what it is about these substances that make people wanna sing, but it’s clearly working!

17. Both feature in the expression “they’re as different as chalk and cheese”

This one should be fairly obvious.

18. Neither are vegan

Cheese comes from animal milk (apart from vegan cheese) so isn’t vegan. And some chalk contains animal bones and eggshells for some reason! So both products are inherently cruel.

19. Neither chalk nor cheese are waterproof

Put chalk in water, and it goes invisible/away. And cheese won’t last long in water either!

20. Both would disintegrate in the face of an atomic blast

That’s why they don’t make bomb shelters out of cheese!

So there we have it. Maybe we can finally put this whole silly “chalk vs cheese” debate to rest.