Dear British retailers,

What the hell, guys?

It should be obvious what I’m talking about. But in case you’re not aware, I’m super annoyed about this Black Friday thing you’re suddenly doing.

“Black Friday” is a retail ‘holiday’ of dubious legitimacy, wherein on the Friday following Thanksgiving shops will do big sales. In other words, it’s an American thing.

So why on earth are we suddenly doing it over here? I don’t remember it being around last year, apart from a few places online.

We’ve had Boxing Day sales since forever and ever, and they’re unbearable enough. Do we really need another horrific commercial rampage?

And “horrific” is the only word for it. The Black Friday Death Count website puts the number of fatalities at a tragic 7. That’s seven more than there ever should be for a bloody SALE.

Just look at these scenes from the store opening of an ASDA in Wembley:

Things that are wrong in this video:

  1. People queueing up to get into a ASDA
  2. Said queue being more of a “mob” than an orderly file.
  3. People being excited to get into ASDA.
  4. People literally being PUSHED TO THE GROUND
  5. Said people on the ground DRAGGING THEMSELVES ON THE FLOOR into ASDA.
  6. The mob CLIMBING OVER each other (literally!) to get into ASDA.
  7. Nobody stopping to pick anyone up.
  8. People screaming with excitement about ASDA.

The “ow my legs! oww!” bit is especially horrifying.

Is there anything less British than this? Not in the Britain First sense, but I mean is this really who we are? Us Brits aren’t supposed to get excited about anything really and such animalistic frenzying should be anathema to us. Or am I just really that out of touch?

I say to you, the great retailers of British, please send this American tradition back where it belongs. The US market may be able to stomach this kind of display, but it puts me right off me dinner, it does.

No TV could ever be discounted to an extent that it justified punching someone else over.

Yes I know the high street is struggling. And yes I know you’ve got to make a profit. But not like this, please. Not like this.

Yours sincerely,