The following is a sketch I wrote for Newsjack that of course didn’t get used. It’s pretty stupid. But it’s Ken Day so I thought I’d share it again here. Enjoy?
INTRO
Toy news now. Yes, we’re really doing Toy News now apparently. It’s not like the country’s future as one of the world’s biggest political groups is being under threat right now or anything, we’ve got bigger things on our mind.
At the New York Toy Fair, Mattel have unveiled their latest Barbie doll set, which is fully Wi-Fi enabled, features voice recognition technology, and even has wireless lightbulbs. This has sparked debate amongst toy fans as it now means that Barbie has a better life than me!
But for all the advancements in Barbie’s modern life, is her boyfriend Ken getting left behind? We smuggled a microphone-equipped Barbie into an executive meeting to find out.
EXEC 1
This new Barbie sure is something. She’s got all the latest gadgets and gizmos, and each doll has its own Twitter account. And if there’s one thing that kids love, it’s toys featuring unnecessary technological innovations.
EXEC 2
Yes, this is all well and good. But what about the Ken doll? We haven’t updated him since the 80s. I mean, he still hasn’t even got genitals!
EXEC 1
No need to worry about that. We’ve had someone on the case. Send in, Gok Wan!
GOK
Hello darlings! I’ve got some great ideas to bring Ken right up to the 21st Century. First up, the name. Nobody cool is called Ken anymore.
EXEC 1
I’m called Ken!
GOK
Exactly. So we’ve changed the name, and he’s now called… Trés Cool, which is French for ‘very cool’. Because he is very cool.
EXEC 2
Trés… I love it!
GOK
Trés is a 20-something social media consultant who lives in a rented flat in Berlin. He loves artisan coffee and knitting his beard.
EXEC 1
Oh my god, you’ve made Ken into a hipster!
EXEC 2
JESUS, FORGIVE US.
GOK
Trés is über trendy. By which I mean he’s trendy and has Uber.
EXEC 1
You really think kids will want to play with a weird loser manchild?
GOK
Oh no, Trés isn’t meant to be ‘played’ with. He’s his own independent person. He’s also a freelance blogger and full-time vegan. I wouldn’t expect children to understand.
EXEC 2
I don’t like this idea.
EXEC 1
But what else have we got? Especially after our disastrous run of Donald Trump: Action Man figures….
GOK
And I didn’t even mention the best bit! Press a button on Trés’ back and he’ll read you his dissertation on Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil. See!
DOLL [TOY VOICE]
When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
EXEC 1
Well, let’s just hope this does better than our rebrand for Snakes and Ladders.
GOK
Oh, what was that?
EXEC 2
We accidentally invented the Cereal Café in Shoreditch.
END