Ah, the Metro. That free paper you get on trains. A nice little read that gets you caught up on the day’s events and celebrity non-happenings.

It reminds me of old school days, and the times I got the train from a friend’s house (my default commute was on the Harlow-Chelmsford bus, sadly devoid of any complementary news correspondence).

But recently, something weird has happened to the Metro. Specifically, their online offerings at Metro.co.uk. I’m talking about things like this:

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Huh? This is currently the 2nd article in their ‘Trending’ section. I’m not sure what trending means in that context though. Maybe it means most read, or most shared? By comparison, here’s the current BBC top read:

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Where’s the spot-squeezing article at, yo? I’m confused. It’s just bad news and death!

But maybe it’s unfair to compare the Metro and BBC in this way. They cater to different audiences I suppose. And the taxpayer-funded BBC doesn’t quite have the same financial pressures as the free online version of a free print newspaper. The reliance on clickbait in the Metro shouldn’t be surprising.

BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO WEIRD?! Here are some more.

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Legit an article about a muscular bird.

Screen Shot 2016-03-28 at 15.22.48ISIS? What ISIS? This is news about Chinese runners eating soap.

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No…. she doesn’t?


MUST READ lol. All the lads getting their online clickbait in.


Sounds like some good science.

They also have some strange fascination with aliens.

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Oh, and demons…

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It’s that last one that gets me the most. DEMON USES TEXT MESSAGES. Putting the bit after demon in quotes doesn’t mean it doesn’t look like you’re endorsing the existence of demonic entities. You’re meant to put the WHOLE thing in quotes.

Unless the Metro genuinely does believe in aliens and demons. And the straight way they report these articles makes it hard to see otherwise. Hmm.

There’s only three possible conclusions then:

  1. The Metro is secretly run by aliens and demons, who keep forgetting that writing stories about aliens and demons isn’t a typical thing that humans do.
  2. The Metro is run by humans but to cater TO the alien/demon market. This implies that the Metro journalists are least aware of the existence of these creatures, and are partially complicit in their concealment from the wider populace, OR perhaps are psychically controlled to be ‘news-slaves.’
  3. All of the above.

But if any of that were true, you’d think they’d make it a bit more obvious. Maybe a hint somewhere. Hiding in plain sight and all that. Perhaps a little note in their website banner or something?

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Oh, right.