Here are some of my Newsjack sketches that didn’t make it to air. I post them here simply because I want them to be up somewhere at least. Enjoy?


  1. INTRO: Technology news. The world’s most popular photo editing software Photoshop turns 25 this week. Famously, the software is used a lot in the fashion industry for retouching models after photo shoots and seeing what you look like if you put your head on David Beckham’s body. But what did people do before Photoshop was invented? Well, they took them to an actual photo shop of course! In case that was slightly before your time, here’s how that used to go.
  3. SHOPKEEP: Good morning. Welcome to the Photo Shop! What can we do for you today?
  4. CUSTOMER: I’ve had a photo taken of me and I’d like to see what you can do with it. It’s for a job and I really want to look my best.
  5. SHOPKEEPER: Not a problem. Let’s take a look at it.
  6. CUSTOMER: Here you go.
  7. SHOPKEEPER: Oh dear. [TUTS] Well, well, well…
  8. CUSTOMER: What’s the verdict then?
  9. SHOPKEEPER: Well, I can tell you up front – this isn’t going to be cheap.
  10. CUSTOMER: Oh really? How much are we talking?
  11. SHOPKEEPER: It’s a very big job, you see. Your skin tone is all off, the lighting’s wrong, and I’ve never even seen one of those What is that?
  12. CUSTOMER: That’s my nose!
  13. SHOPKEEPER: You sure? Gosh, I’d hate to be on the receiving end of that!
  14. CUSTOMER: I’m afraid I don’t have much money to spend. Can’t you just do a basic job on it?
  15. SHOPKEER: Well, I can see what the lads can do. But we’ll basically need to order some parts in. And that could take a while.
  16. CUSTOMER: Parts? What kind of parts?
  17. SHOPKEEPER: You’d need new eyebrows for a start. We get them in and stick them in just there over your eyes. Right now it looks like you’ve got two big caterpillars crawling across your face. And we only get those in on Tuesdays.
  18. CUSTOMER: I had no idea it was all so complicated.
  19. SHOPKEEPER: If it’s a rush, we do offer an alternative service.
  20. CUSTOMER: What’s that?
  21. SHOPKEEPER: Basically we get someone to draw a new picture of you. From scratch.
  22. CUSTOMER: How would that help? I need this photo for a job application. A hand drawn picture won’t do me much good.
  23. SHOPKEEPER: You’d be surprised! Evan back there is really talented with a crayon. You’d never be able to tell it wasn’t an original.
  24. CUSTOMER: I suppose it is urgent. Fine. I’ll take the drawing. How much will that be?
  25. SHOPKEEPER: That’s just £10. Per month. Forever. And if you stop paying, we have to take the photo back.
  26. CUSTOMER: What a ripoff! But I really really need it. So here you go, I guess…
  27. SHOPKEEPER: Thanks a lot. And here’s your c-hh-a
  28. CUSTOMER: Sorry? You alright?
  30. CUSTOMER: Oh forget this! I’ll just take it next door to MS Paint instead.


  1. V/O: Struggling to make ends meet? Financial worries getting you down? Sounds like you need GREEK FINANCE.
  2. V/O: That’s right, we’ll take all your debts and outstanding payments and make them disappear by simply pretending they don’t exist.
  3. TESTIMONIAL: Greek Finance really helped us out. It just took one little election and we put them in charge of everything! Our austerity days were over and once again we’re living well, well beyond our means.
  4. V/O: Greek Finance. Because it’s time to show your debts the grexit!
  5. END