As part of my quest to become the world’s greatest writer, I’m certain to encounter lots of rejection along the way. Yeah it sucks but that’s just the price you pay I suppose.

Sometimes that means a straight out “nope” from someone, and other times simply not hearing back at all (eg. most of my Newsjack submissions).

Today’s harsh return to reality comes in the form of rejected McSweeney’s lines. If you don’t know it, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency is basically an open submission website for comedy lists. Some of it is very, very funny and I really adore the surreal yet deadpan nature of their comedy style.

Having never tried it out before I thought it was worth a shot. Roughly a week later I heard back. It was a no.

But not wanting good(ish) writing to go to waste, here’s the two list submissions I made. Hooray for recycling content!

Reasons why Lil Jon might be told to turn down
  • Sir, this aquarium has very strict policies on acceptable noise levels.
  • Please, his death came very suddenly and we’d like to mourn in peace.
  • In the vacuum of space, it is impossible for sound to travel.
  • You are frightening my sons.
  • As a fellow recording artist, I find that your high levels of sound are preventing me from pursuing my own artistic endeavours.
  • For God’s sake, Jon, this is a school for the deaf. They will not be able to appreciate your music in any case.
  • This sound system isn’t designed to handle this decibel range.
  • You’re giving His Holiness an earache.
 
Lines that were rejected before the Terminator writers settled on “I’ll be back”
  • Stay where you are, I shall return momentarily.
  • I have other affairs to attend to, but my rearrival is imminent.
  • Look, this is an awkward situation for both of us. Ok, I’ll just leave.
  • Urgent matters require my attention in an alternative location.
  • I am losing the will to live, Bertha.
  • You gotta watch out for that Shaq Attack
  • Like a boomerang, I will come right back around to where I started off from.
  • Christmas only comes once a year. But it still comes every year. I’m like Christmas.
  • You’ll be seeing me again in the near future.
  • Never lose sight of your life goals. Stay true to your roots. Stay true to the streets.

Wow, those are less good than I remember.

Hope this was worth your time.