Earlier this year, I wrote about the hellscape that is Facebook Marketplace. And that is still very true. But I also discovered some listings that worried me.

In particular, this ugly bloody doll

…and this free 40s haunted wardrobe.

A Facebook marketplace entry for a "Free 40s haunted wardrobe"

I took a note to come back to return to this topic for further investigation later. And having done some further digging, I’m sorry to report the following: yep, Facebook Marketplace is haunted as hell.

Let us experience the haunted items together.

  1. Ghost in a jar
Listing for a ghost in a jar

Ok, this one might be a joke listing. But if there’s even a 1% chance that this is a genuine ghost in a jar, we must act as if it is 100% certain. The listing explains more about the provenance of said jar ghost:

I managed to trap a ghost while on a paranormal investigation and it’s still in the jar . I rang most haunted and they told me this is very rare !!! I’m after £100,000 . You will not find a ghost in a jar cheaper as it’s so rare. The ghost will not escape.

Well, I’m very relieved that it’s properly contained. However, I am disappointed at the apparent bait-and-switch of the FREE offering turning out to be a one hundred thousand pound down payment. I think I’ll pass.

2. Haunted vampire teeth

You’re probably thinking the same thing as me here. Are these haunted teeth ispo facto or are they the teeth of a vampire, who himself is/was haunted? I suppose it makes no difference in the end. And we shouldn’t overlook the fact that apparently, vampires ARE real and prone to losing teeth—a terrifying prospect.

Confusingly, the details on the offer claim that the teeth are BRAND NEW. Are these a recent dental extraction then? It seems weird to package them up with a spooky olde-timey note if they only got pulled last week. Did this surgery happen under COVID-secure conditions? In this climate, you can’t be too safe.

3. Various haunted rings

I’ve found multiple listings of supposedly haunted rings. Well, they’re actually all from the same seller, but they’re up for different prices and contain varying amounts of information. Like how the £150 is haunted by specifically a djinn (an Arabic spirit, aka genie) whereas the others aren’t specified at all. Let’s dig a bit deeper:

In bracknell
Nearly new
But also haunted

Wow. Move over ALL POETS OF ALL TIME because I think we’ve just found the greatest piece of verse of all time. It’s not quite a haiku, but it’s hauntingly beautiful (pun SPOOKILY intended!). In bracknell / Nearly new / But also haunted.

4. Haunted dolls

Erm. Do you want to get The Conjuring Universe: Annabelle Creation? Because this is how you get The Conjuring Universe: Annabelle Creation.

Here is the description for the above haunted doll that is also apparently some kind of nun.

Haunted doll.has two crosses that are damaged. And sometimes has a high electoral magnetic field.

Jesus Christ. I don’t know what an ‘electoral magnetic field’ is, but it sounds much worse than an electrical one. Stay away, imo.

I should give a shout-out here to the regular Haunted Doll Watch segment on the My Brother, My Brother, and Me podcast. They cover this exact subject (and this entire blog post is ripping off, tbf).

5. Powerful Curse Spell To Bid A Ex

Pretty cool that you can just sell curses on Facebook, huh? Thanks, Mark!

Here, 5 year Black Magick practitioner (and Luciferian witch) Alexia offers to curse your ex. The exact ritual involves burning their name and a photo of them and making a prayer to some demons. So for £40 it seems like a steal.

But wait! The listing comes with a warning: I do not cast this curse unless it’s for a justify reason curses are not lightly to be taken lightly and can backfire if not for a justified caused. Which I guess is like a no-refunds policy for witches or something.

Still not a believer? Fret not, they’ve even got some positive testimonials!

Here a happy customer writes that things are going well and their ex is very calm. I find this a bit of a strange choice for the ‘I WILL TORMENT YOUR EX WITH HORRIBLE CURSES’ listing but hey, what do I know.

6. Ghost rider picture

Ok, this isn’t actually a haunted object, but I thought it was kind of sweet. It is literally a drawing of the comic book anti-hero Ghost Rider. It is drawn by a child and being given away for free. I’m tempted to obtain it for myself, but I’d also be thrilled if this ended up being picked up by a reader of the blog. Go nuts, y’all!

7. Ghost costume

I’m pretty sure this is not what ghosts look like. Unless you specifically want to dress up as the ghost of a member of the Ku Klux Klan. In which case, have fun with that hate crime!

8. Hearse hummer

This appears to be a 2006 Hummer H6 model that has been converted into a hearse. So you can deliver your loved ones to their final resting place in the least fuel-efficient manner possible. One million pounds.

In conclusion, Facebook Marketplace is very haunted thanks for reading.